October 31, 2009
Posted by Mom at 11:01 AM
October 30, 2009
We went for a drive through the trees yesterday. The colors this year are glorious and vibrant, unlike many years before where the trees dropped their leaves unceremoniously from their limbs to the ground. This year, the trees are putting on a show. It's nice. If you enjoy the beauty of colorful fall leaves, get outside and experience the display. With all the rain that we've had here in Georgia, the display is definitely worth the effort.
Posted by Mom at 5:37 PM
October 24, 2009
Do you know that feeling you get when you come across a person that you just know will touch your life deeply?
Over the past two weeks, I've been blessed to become acquainted with two such persons. One person, I've known for sometime through the Internet but only just met in person today. I spent a few hours at her house with her kids. I was so surprised at how easily we fell into friendship without the usual jitters of meeting new people. (She's not even a little bit crazy like most of the new people I've met over the past couple of years... well, there was that incident with the exploding washing machine and the knives... but that's another story.)
My friend's little girl is, shall we say, a bit needy. The child wants to be held nonstop. I can sympathize with my friend because my youngest has times when all she wants is to be held held held. It can drive a woman over the edge, especially when there are things that need to be done. To my amazement Little Angel gladly allowed me to pick her up and hold her when her mother was occupied with cooking our lunch. I expected to be wholeheartedly rejected when I offered to pick the child up. Instead, I was embraced with acceptance and love. (Poor Kira was very unhappy about having to share HER Mommy... but we managed a solution that was acceptable to both girls.)
I sat for a long time rocking and singing to Little Angel as she sucked her thumb and cuddled her blanket. She was soaking up as much snuggles and attention as she could manage. I was hooked. (sigh)
I'll be making that hour long drive again in a very short two weeks so that I can spend more time with my new kindred spirit and her dear children. (They all cried when I left. I have no idea why. I'm not all that special as far as people go.) I know my friend will be looking forward to more relief from her demanding duties serving the diva of her house. She's probably already counting the days...
This was a good day. I am thankful for these new people that God is bringing into my life. I am uncertain of His reasons and their purpose, but I am still thankful.
Posted by Mom at 8:39 PM
October 23, 2009
I need duct tape today. My little angels are being awfully whiny. I'm not sure why this is, but it's starting to get on my nerves.
One lost her beloved Beatin (aka: blanket). The other one lost her beloved pacifier.
Somehow, they believe that I should locate these objects that have been misplaced. Why is that? It isn't MY Beatin. It isn't MY pacifier. It isn't MY problem.
Except... they whine about it. Instead of looking in all the obvious places, they come to me and whine. Where is the fairness in this?
Posted by Mom at 11:14 AM
October 17, 2009
October 15, 2009
You may not be aware, but I am severely overweight. My doctor is even to the point of recommending the Lap Band Surgery. I vetoed that idea outright and told him I wanted to wait a while longer and try just one more thing.
Well - my one more thing is my sister-in-law. She has graciously volunteered to be my personal trainer. We are meeting 3 times a week to do workouts that she is tailoring to my specific physical needs. There are certain things I can't do because of my pain issues, so she understands that and is helping me work around my issues.
A friend of mine sent me this video today while we were chatting about my newest endeavor. I felt compelled to share this video with my readers. This is the first time I have ever heard of this comedian, but he's great.
Enjoy the video ...
Posted by Mom at 11:36 AM
October 14, 2009
Time is ticking away.
The counter has begun.
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Are you ready?
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Visit The Art and Science of Parenting on Friday evening. I will be posting details regarding my next give away contest right here.
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Posted by Mom at 2:58 PM
October 10, 2009
I conquered the swinging bridge today. I cried from one side to the other, held tight to the ropes with each hand, but I made it across the bridge and found a moment to look out and admire the beauty of the view while I was in the middle of my own personal crisis.
Thirty years ago, I walked across that same swinging bridge. I didn't want to make that walk. It was a very scary path for the 5 year old me. I cried and begged to go the other way. My stepfather would have none of it. He insisted that I walk across the bridge that hung suspended over the trees and shook with every step.
At the middle of the bridge, where it was the most shaky, he stood in front of me and jumped up and down on the bridge.
I screamed - terrified of the motion and the depths below.
I look back on that now and wonder what his motives were.
Was he trying to show me that the suspended bridge was completely safe and there was no need for my irrational, 5 year old self to be so afraid?
Did he take pleasure in causing me to scream in that manner?
Was it fun for him to stand there and jump so heavy to make the bridge bounce so hard?
Did he know just how hard it would be for me to forget that experience and how it would haunt me some thirty years later when I came back to that same spot and faced the crossing of the bridge again?
I have no way of knowing if he was, indeed, just trying to ease my mind about the safety of that bridge. It is completely possible that he took great pleasure from my pain and terror. It is also completely possible that he was trying to teach me that there was no reason to be afraid. Whatever his purpose, he instilled in me a memory that is filled with fear and tears and unhappiness.
Yet I faced the bridge today and I conquered.
My girls - not the least bit afraid - bounced across that same bridge and giggled the whole way. Kira, walking with her Daddy several feet ahead of me, made sure to step very heavily along the way so that she could cause the bridge to bounce just a little bit more. For her, the first trip across the swinging bridge at Rock City will be remembered as a fun and memorable moment. She stood on the other side waiting for Mommy to catch up, then bounded out at when I reached the halfway point to meet me. I stopped and took her by the hand to point across the vast expanse of Tennessee that could be seen from that midway point on the bridge.
Then I cried a little harder as she bounced back to the side of the bridge - making it swing just a little bit too much for my liking.
I conquered the bridge. I know I should have some feeling of elation and accomplishment for having made it across the bridge today. Instead I feel sadness and exhaustion. The emotional toll was heavy for me. Even my new memories - those I form by taking my children to see the adventurous places close to where we live - are tainted from old images and fears.
Posted by Mom at 1:14 AM
October 6, 2009
I'm awake now, probably for the rest of the night. I had another nightmare.
I woke up about an hour ago and just can't seem to get back to sleep. I did try, even though I had doubts that I would manage sleep again this night.
In my nightmare, I was on my way home. I met my mother along the way and asked her where my girls were. She told me that they were back at the house with my stepfather. I was suddenly overtaken by such anger and horror that I could not see straight. I tried to run - but dreams usually prevent that - and finally made it to the house where my children were supposed to be. The house was not that far away from where I had met my mother. She was just leaving as I was arriving.
I entered the house with feelings of anger and terror, as well as anxiety, washing over me. The house was darkened, as it was late at night.
I walked down the hall to the last room and found my stepfather laying in the bed with a sheet over him. Kira was in the bed, too, but fully clothed and not under the covers. I remember screaming as I entered the room, "Where are my children!," demanding that they be safe.
When I entered, Kira scuttled to the wall - as far away from 'him' as she could get. He was playfully grabbing at her foot as he laughed at me - taunted me - thinking I would be helpless to protect her, as I had been helpless to protect myself so many years ago.
I raised the cast iron frying pan (Now where did THAT come from? Funny thing about dreams...) and hit him with the frying pan right on top of his groin area.
This is when I woke up - shaken and still filled with anger and terror.
To help me deal with the dream, I found myself laying in bed analyzing each moment. Here is what I noticed:
1) I never let my mother watch my children. I don't trust her. (Can anybody guess why?)
2) The anger I felt - and still feel - at the thought of my children being left alone with that man is overwhelming, sickening.
3) Where DID that frying pan come from? I know I didn't have it in my hand when I walked into the room, even though I recall having a thought of something to hit him with when I first entered the house.
4) He was the same man of 30 years ago. He had not aged. Of course, this is not a realistic vision. I haven't seen him in 20 years so I have no idea what he actually looks like now.
5) Kira was trying to get away from him. I remember trying to protect myself many times by avoiding instances where we would be alone or where he would have opportunities to hurt me. Once we were alone, though, I never had the ability to try to get away from him. I recognize this part of the dream being about me wishing I had been able to escape.
6) Marisa was nowhere to be seen. This makes sense, of course, because she is only 3 - not 5. It's the age connection that causes these dreams. Hopefully by the time she reaches the magic age I will have gotten past the nightmares.
7) I fought to protect her. This is what has had me in tears since I woke up. I still have no idea where that cast iron skillet came from. In my dream, I could not feel the weight of that skillet. Those things are incredibly heavy, but I lifted it with ease and brought it down on him with ease. I fought for HER!
How I wish my own mother had fought to protect me! Perhaps things would have been different in my life if she had chosen to protect me instead of him. I cried tonight over that point in this horrible dream because I realized just how much I wish somebody had tried to protect me.
The anger I feel is so strong that I wonder how my own mother - or any mother - could not feel this towards the person who is hurting their child.
I did get up and check on the girls. I found them safely snuggled in their bed. Actually, they were snuggled up together - side by side - with their arms and legs intertwined. I had to move Marisa back down to her side of the bed to keep her from falling onto the floor.
I tried to go back to sleep, but each time I close my eyes I find myself back in that bedroom - back in that dream. I decided that I needed to get up and write to get past the horror. I feel better now...
Posted by Mom at 4:07 AM
October 5, 2009
My back hurts.
The house is a mess.
The kids are arguing.
It's cloudy and dreary outside today.
I have way too much to get done and no motivation.
Posted by Mom at 11:23 AM
October 1, 2009
My heart is sad tonight. I can't really pin down why. I just feel sad. I think the feeling can be traced to the moment when I realized that my 5 year old had taken it upon herself to clean her room. She spent more than an hour picking up toys and putting them away. I have no idea where this sudden desire to straighten up her things came from. I'm not complaining that she did this. Indeed, it is a good thing that she is starting to take a bit of responsibility to take care of her own room and her own things. It's just that she was so GROWN UP about it all. She was so proud of herself, calling us to her room every ten minutes so that we could follow her progress. This growing up thing is very difficult for me...
I must go be sad now.
Posted by Mom at 11:42 PM