February 8, 2009

The First Nightmare

I hadn't expected the nightmares to begin so early. I knew they would come, but I really thought I had more time. This one tonight was startling in so many ways, partly because it is so soon. I suppose you're wondering what I'm talking about. After all, everybody has nightmares. It's just human nature, right. I guess some background information is in order so that you'll understand why this nightmare was so horrid.

I was five years old when my mother married him. He didn't waste any time, either. I don't really wish to discuss all the details of the abuse, but it was - what word does one use to describe such a life altering occurrence?

Significant? Well, yeah, I suppose it was.

Damaging? It was definitely that.

Devastating? Perhaps not so much at the time. I was so young that I did not fully comprehend what was happening.

Forever? Yes, I think forever is a good word to use in describing abuse. It is forever. Even when the actual abuse has ended, the affects linger throughout our lives and invade every inch of our world.

I know it isn't much of an explanation, but it's all I have right now. It's nearly 3:00 in the morning now and I'm still shaking from this dream that ended over an hour ago. I hope writing about it will help rid the images from my mind so that I can return to sleeping, though I doubt sleep will be an easy accomplishment now.

You may wonder why this nightmare was different from the many other nightmares I've had. It's simple, really. In this nightmare, it was Kira who was being attacked. Kira, my precious four year old daughter who looks so very much like I did when I was that age that it's strange for me at times. I knew the day she was born that I would have difficulty as she got older. I knew that I would have to temper my own need to protect her in order to allow her the freedom that all children need. And I knew that there would come a time when I would have horribly vivid dreams of the dangers that I fear for her. I just didn't know it would be this soon. I thought it would be another year or so before the dreams came. I also thought it would be less horrible when they first began. Silly me expected that the dreams would be tame at first and work their way up to the worst possible visions. I didn't expect such an onslaught of images that would keep me awake for hours just trying to eradicate the pictures from my brain.

In my dream, I lost sight of her for just a moment only to find her being assaulted by three men around the corner. I think I arrived on the scene "just in time" to rescue her from the danger, but I'm not really sure because that was the moment when I startled awake. Unfortunately for me, that image is burned into my memory. I don't know how long it will take for me to shake that. No doubt I'll be crying for a while over this one. I'm comforted to know that she is safely snuggled into her blankets sleeping without even the slightest idea that I'm so terrified over something that didn't actually happen to her.

Until Kira came along, I never fully realized what I had lost when I was a child. Watching her grow up has given me an insight into what childhood is supposed to be. It's such an amazing thing to watch.

I hope I can protect her and her little sister from anything that might destroy their precious childhood.

I hope these dreams don't come often.

I hope I can close my eyes at some point tonight and not see that horrible vision again.


Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Shaunalynn,
I commiserate with your problem but there are certain things you have to face to eradicate them. First of all, you have been terrorized by the demon of your past traumatic experiences. You have kept the bitterness of the experience inside of you that a demon actually gave it life and is constantly haunting you. You must break this demonic curse by the blood of Jesus Christ. Only that can expel that demon from your life. You can seek the help of a senior and spiritual pastor to do this spiritual warfare against the minion of Satan. Then you have to forgive your abuser and move along with your life. I know, it is not easy to do that but you can pray to God that He gives you the grace of forgiveness and the actual words of forgiveness can come out of your lips even though you may not feel it at that moment. The Holy Spirit will enable you to actually feel the forgiveness afterwards. Pray more, especially for your children. That's the best assurance for your kids. God said, "Cast your cares to the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." (Psalm 55:22) Maybe it's time that you connect with God so that you will have a truly peaceful and stress free life. Thanks for the very honest post. God bless you and your family always.