March 29, 2009

I tried to kiss you.

You pushed me away.

March 27, 2009

Rain Rain Rain

I'm really tired of all this rain. It's depressing. It doesn't help that I'm already feeling a bit fragile with my emotions these days. I miss the sunshine and the gentle breezes of Spring time.

I suppose the rain is necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier to tolerate. Perhaps if it were a bit warmer I could take the girls outside to dance in the rain. That would be so much fun. unfortunately, the temperature is a bit too low for dancing and playing in the rain.

I guess I just have to wait for a sunny reprieve. It seems I spend quite a bit of time waiting these days...

March 26, 2009

Wants, Needs, Etc

Why is it often so difficult to take care of one's own needs? I find it very easy to care for those around me, those who need me for various reasons. And yet taking care of myself and my own wants and needs leaves me feeling guilty and stressed. I've yet to discover why this is so.

I need to do things for myself. I'm aware of this. And yet it is never easy to take time away from all those other responsibilities and other people who are so certain that they "need" me to be available for them every moment of every day.

This year I am focusing more on myself. I have vowed to myself that I will take care of the things that I need to improve my own state of being. Though the world around me may cry out with displeasure, I am determined to make myself a priority this year. Somehow I will overcome the nagging frustration of feeling drawn to be two different people.

March 18, 2009

Blue Skies

There's something about spending the day outside underneath a bright blue sky that just makes everything better. There is a certain shade of blue that can only be found when the sky is mostly clear and the sun is at just the right place. The slight breeze that blows through my hair helps center my thoughts and clear my mind. I often wish every day could be filled with that certain type of blue sky and gentle breeze.

I was watching the clouds yesterday as they gathered in my pretty blue sky. They were soft clouds, not the kind that produce storms. I couldn't help but think of how my youngest child loves to chase and catch the clouds. She often pretends to eat those captured clouds, which is quite amusing to watch.

I suppose if every day were filled with blue skies and fluffy white clouds then I would never accomplish much of anything. I would be too busy watching the sky.

March 11, 2009

What is it about little girls that causes them to run through the house squealing so loudly that your eardrums almost burst?

Why, oh why must they always choose to do this at a moment that is incredibly inconvenient such as when I'm on the phone?

I think they know how this affects my nerves and causes me to lose track of whatever it was that I may have been doing moments before they came running through my space. Their sudden noise is often followed by an overwhelming feeling of being lost on my part, and it takes more than a few moments for me to recover from the shock of the ordeal.

And yet in the other room, where they have already settled into the next game, I can hear them giggling and playing as though nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. The world is once again left in relative silence and the children carry on about their playing without concern for the chaos that they have caused.

I regain my composure and continue whatever task lays before me, wondering how long it will be before I am once again assaulted by the squealing of precious little girls.

March 8, 2009

Pieces of Me

I recently started using Facebook and through the process, I've found several old friends and - yes - boyfriends.

My husband is actually the one that got me started with Facebook. I opened an account over a year ago, but never bothered to get involved. About a month or so ago he started his own account and seemed to be enjoying the connection with his friends - new and old. So I revisited my account and found that it was, indeed, worth my time and energy.

I "met" one of his old girlfriends that he had reconnected with through Facebook. We were both awake one night and spent quite some time chatting with each other about the lost and found of our lives. She made a comment that just stuck with me for some reason. I keep thinking about her words over and over again.

She said that finding her old friends - my husband included - was like collecting pieces of herself that she had left behind along the way.

Her comment seems so profound to me because I had failed to name that feeling, but knew immediately what she meant. Here in this world of social networking I was searching - not for names - but pieces.

I was looking for all those pieces of me that had been left behind, discarded, abandoned, or ripped away by an uncaring hand. I was driven to search until I located all those lost and forgotten pieces.

After she said this to me, it became so clear why these social networking sites have such popularity. All throughout this world there are so many people searching for themselves and the pieces they left behind. Finding those pieces - and the people who hold them - offers a certain sense of closure that is often craved by one's soul.

It has been good for me to locate some of those pieces and find new places for them - and the people that hold them - to fit in my life.

Truth be known, there are still a few pieces out there - waiting to be found. Perhaps one day...

March 2, 2009

Lost Friends

I recently joined Facebook. Well, that isn't exactly true. I joined over a year ago, but didn't become active until just this past week or so. My husband started on Facebook and that's what got me into being active.

When I started with Facebook, I began looking for people who had been important in my life, yet somehow drifted away. I found some of them, and others are still "missing".

I wasn't prepared for what I found, though. Most of those people who I thought were so important - well, they didn't all think the same of me.

There was S.C. (not using full names here...) who was one of my best friends for many years through high school and beyond. It had been more than 10 years since I last spoke to him. Based on that last conversation, I was more than a little concerned about his state of health. His absence was bothersome to me. I had no way of knowing where he was or if he was even still alive. Of course I had searched for him in other arenas, but never found him. Well - imagine my surprise when he barely remembered me or all the things we had done and all the fun we had running over imaginary cars in the parking lot at the mall. It was a bit heartbreaking to realize that I was not to him the same he was to me.

Then there was G.P., whom I had crushed on for more than a year back in high school. I never, ever told him about this massive crush because I just knew he would laugh at me. We were friends, though. We danced together at the Homecoming Dance one year, more than just one dance. I thought that represented some sort of possibilities... Well, when I connected to him through S.C., he had no idea who I was. He even emailed S.C. to find out who I was because he couldn't remember anything about me. Yeah - nothing at all. Of course, he said that he did remember after a bit of thinking - but secretly I think he was just saying that.

Then there is M.Y., who was an integral part of my life for many years. We were Kindergarten Sweethearts - and dated in high school for a few months. Then we went our separate ways. I found him on Facebook, too. He didn't forget me like some people did.

I also found S.D. on Facebook, one of those people from high school that I remember but never really got to know back then. She remembers me, and I remember her. We've started chatting about life way back then. It seems that she remembers me always being nice to her - and I remember her always being nice to me - even though we weren't in the same circle.

So all this finding started me thinking. If there are all these people out there that I remember and look for, there are probably people out there that remember me and look for me. Who are they, though? Who is out there from my past that I don't remember being such a big part of their lives? How many people are there that wonder where I am and where my life has taken me, and if they ever find me will I remember why they cared so much?

I'm sure that I am somebody's "G.P." Somebody out there thought enough of me to carry me in their memories, but I wouldn't recognize them today because I was oblivious to how much I mattered to them.

Or perhaps, like my S.C., we were close for a long time but then drifted in different directions.

Today I hope you take a moment to consider how you affect other people. You may not realize just how important you are in somebody's life, but you are. Somewhere out there, somebody is thinking about you and wondering where your life has taken you and if you would remember who they are should you ever reconnect.