October 6, 2009

Another Nightmare

I'm awake now, probably for the rest of the night. I had another nightmare.

I woke up about an hour ago and just can't seem to get back to sleep. I did try, even though I had doubts that I would manage sleep again this night.

In my nightmare, I was on my way home. I met my mother along the way and asked her where my girls were. She told me that they were back at the house with my stepfather. I was suddenly overtaken by such anger and horror that I could not see straight. I tried to run - but dreams usually prevent that - and finally made it to the house where my children were supposed to be. The house was not that far away from where I had met my mother. She was just leaving as I was arriving.

I entered the house with feelings of anger and terror, as well as anxiety, washing over me. The house was darkened, as it was late at night.

I walked down the hall to the last room and found my stepfather laying in the bed with a sheet over him. Kira was in the bed, too, but fully clothed and not under the covers. I remember screaming as I entered the room, "Where are my children!," demanding that they be safe.

When I entered, Kira scuttled to the wall - as far away from 'him' as she could get. He was playfully grabbing at her foot as he laughed at me - taunted me - thinking I would be helpless to protect her, as I had been helpless to protect myself so many years ago.

I raised the cast iron frying pan (Now where did THAT come from? Funny thing about dreams...) and hit him with the frying pan right on top of his groin area.

This is when I woke up - shaken and still filled with anger and terror.

To help me deal with the dream, I found myself laying in bed analyzing each moment. Here is what I noticed:

1) I never let my mother watch my children. I don't trust her. (Can anybody guess why?)

2) The anger I felt - and still feel - at the thought of my children being left alone with that man is overwhelming, sickening.

3) Where DID that frying pan come from? I know I didn't have it in my hand when I walked into the room, even though I recall having a thought of something to hit him with when I first entered the house.

4) He was the same man of 30 years ago. He had not aged. Of course, this is not a realistic vision. I haven't seen him in 20 years so I have no idea what he actually looks like now.

5) Kira was trying to get away from him. I remember trying to protect myself many times by avoiding instances where we would be alone or where he would have opportunities to hurt me. Once we were alone, though, I never had the ability to try to get away from him. I recognize this part of the dream being about me wishing I had been able to escape.

6) Marisa was nowhere to be seen. This makes sense, of course, because she is only 3 - not 5. It's the age connection that causes these dreams. Hopefully by the time she reaches the magic age I will have gotten past the nightmares.

7) I fought to protect her. This is what has had me in tears since I woke up. I still have no idea where that cast iron skillet came from. In my dream, I could not feel the weight of that skillet. Those things are incredibly heavy, but I lifted it with ease and brought it down on him with ease. I fought for HER!

How I wish my own mother had fought to protect me! Perhaps things would have been different in my life if she had chosen to protect me instead of him. I cried tonight over that point in this horrible dream because I realized just how much I wish somebody had tried to protect me.

The anger I feel is so strong that I wonder how my own mother - or any mother - could not feel this towards the person who is hurting their child.


I did get up and check on the girls. I found them safely snuggled in their bed. Actually, they were snuggled up together - side by side - with their arms and legs intertwined. I had to move Marisa back down to her side of the bed to keep her from falling onto the floor.

I tried to go back to sleep, but each time I close my eyes I find myself back in that bedroom - back in that dream. I decided that I needed to get up and write to get past the horror. I feel better now...


John said...

This sounds absolutely awful. I can't begin to imagine how it feels. I'm angry just reading about it. :-(

My nightmares are tame by comparison. No wonder you can't sleep :-(